


i can't go on if you're not here

by sunshinehide



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love, there's mentions of throwing up so, this whole thing is just really angst otl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4266192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinehide/pseuds/sunshinehide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide found flowers beautiful. They were one of the simple pleasures of life; so, even when he began throwing them up, he couldn't bring himself to hate them. They reminded him too much of Kaneki, beautiful, and trampled by some, but still growing despite the harshness it faced.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't go on if you're not here

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [I can't go on if you're not here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4883017) by [Selyka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selyka/pseuds/Selyka)



> i wanted to try my hand at the hanahaki byou disease idea. so here it is. there's credits at the end of the fic. thank you, and enjoy!
> 
> UPDATE: please go check out a fanart that [excailzkrossmazi](http://excailzkrossmazi.tumblr.com/) did and please marvel at the beautiful art style they have. [here it is!](http://excailzkrossmazi.tumblr.com/post/123197158053/i-got-utterly-destroyed-by-an-angsty-fanfiction)

 

花吐き病: _hanahaki byou_

_A disease affecting the human body system, making the person cough up and vomit flower petals due to one-sided love. There are two options to get rid of this disease: their crush being requited or extracting the flower in surgery. If choosing the surgical process, the flower petals will stop but with it goes the owner's feelings for their crush. If no course of action is chosen, the owner eventually dies from suffocation._

****

❀❀❀

 

Hide had read up the hanahaki disease before; he found it intriguing how the human body system threw up flower petals because of some romantic feelings.

He had never expected it to happen to him though.

In retrospect, he should've probably seen it coming. When Kaneki came back, hide realised his feelings for Kaneki weren't platonic, but rather romantic. He wanted to kiss Kaneki on the lips from the overwhelming happiness he had when his best friend turned out to be alive and well after waking up from a five day sleep.

But, seeing how one of the people he met at Anteiku, Tsukiyama Shuu, looked at Kaneki’s sleeping form in the bed in the :re employee office, he held himself back. Clearly, there were romantic feelings in the gaze of tsukiyama and the way he held onto Kaneki’s unconscious hand.

Hide knew the consequences of having a crush and not have it returned. He told himself that maybe if he denied his feelings, then he wouldn't be throwing up the white petals he was now in his bathroom. He rested his back against the bath tub while he was trying to calm his nerves.

He told himself he should stop before it got too worse. Especially since Tsukiyama had told Kaneki his romantic feelings, and Kaneki returned them back.

They were a couple.

But, when Kaneki laughed at a stupid joke Hide told, the restraint he put on his feelings for his best friend came crashing down.

_'At least Tsukiyama won't suffer,'_ Hide thought to himself bitterly, clutching his chest, feeling the pain go away.

Hide shakily stood up, steadying himself with one hand on the wall and he slumped against it.

He couldn't let Kaneki find out.

 

❀❀❀

 

Hide had stayed behind with Touka to help her close up the cafe, now known as ":re". The two of them grew quite close after Kaneki’s return, and they even had a friendship going on.

Hide was in the middle of talking to Touka when he suddenly coughed harshly. Touka tensed up and looked at Hide, who was grabbing his stomach as he leaned over.

She saw beautiful white petals falling from the male's mouth and her heart sunk. She made her way quickly to where Hide was and patted his back, trying to calm him.

Hide finished up coughing up the remains and he stood up straight, while looking at Touka with a sorry expression.

Touka frowned, "How long?" she asked.

"About a week now," Hide answered, hesitantly. Touka looked at him with a softer expression, "for Kaneki?"

Hide nodded.

"You have to tell him, Hide, or get the flower removed before you _die,_ " she emphasised the last part to make her point clear.

Hide shook his head.

"Don’t tell him, please," Hide looked at Touka with pleading eyes. "And.... and I rather not have it removed. I want my feelings for him to never go away, because it means that I love him, it's a proof of it," hide explained.

Touka let out a sigh, "You're going to die, Hide," she said.

"Let me die, then," and Touka was surprised at those words coming out from someone as cheerful as Hide.

They shared  silence for a few seconds before Touka spoke again.

"They’re rose petals," she said.

Hide nodded, "yeah."

_'White roses mean purity, like Hide's affection for Kaneki,'_ she thought to herself, albeit it was a bit cheesy.

"They remind me of Kaneki’s hair," Hide pointed out with slight amusement in his tone.

Touka scoffed.

 

❀❀❀

 

Hide knew he couldn't keep it a secret forever.

Nishio and Kimi found out two weeks later after Touka did.

He was at the college campus, and he had to ask Nishio a question. So, he walked to the science department and Hide was making his way in when suddenly he doubled over, the petals falling out of his mouth.

Nishio was curious about what the noise was about, and he found Hide on the floor, throwing up petals. Kimi, who was with Nishio, rushed to Hide's sight once she spotted the boy.

Hide was embarrassed.

Not only did he interrupt Nishio's and Kimi's making out time, but also they knew now.

"How long are you going to keep this up for? You need to get it removed," Nishio stated as Hide was sitting down on a chair while Kimi was getting Hide a bottle of water.

"You pointed out the obvious, Nishio," Kimi said when she entered the room again, a water bottle in her hand. Nishio rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

Hide thanked Kimi for the water bottle and drank from it. His lungs and stomach ached from throwing up the past few weeks, and he was growing quite tired.

"Who else knows?" Nishio asked.

"Just Touka and you two now," Hide said, gripping the water bottle.

"Let me guess, your one sided crush is Kaneki," the ghoul said, leaning against a desk.

"Is it that obvious?" Hide questioned sheepishly. Kimi nodded her head, "Yes. To all except Kaneki," she paused before speaking again, "we were all worried for you though. We saw the way you looked at Kaneki, and your gestures around him. We knew it was going to happen eventually;  the throwing up of the petals," she said.

Hide nodded, "Thanks.... for being worried," he told the couple.

"Are you going to have it removed?" Nishio spoke from being silent. Hide shook his head and the other male scoffed, "You're stupid."

"Nishio!" Kimi scolded, whipping around to send a glare to her boyfriend.

"He’s going to die if he doesn't get it removed. And unless he wants to die, then he should admit himself to the hospital," Nishio stated.

Kimi opened her mouth to argue with Nishio but Hide stood up.

"I know I’m going to die if i don't get the flower removed, but.... I don't want my feelings for Kaneki to go away," he explained. "Being in love is a beautiful thing in youth, after all," Hide said, smirking a little.

"Only if the other person loves you back," Nishio’s voice had a sharp edge to it, but it also held a sympathising tone. And that's the last thing Hide wanted. Someone sympathising him for a silly one-sided crush he had.

 

❀❀❀

 

Kaneki and Hide were hanging out at Hide's apartment. Tsukiyama was out with one of his best friends from high school and Kaneki took the chance to go see Hide and spend some quality time with his best friend.

Truthfully, they hadn't spent a lot of time together since Kaneki and Tsukiyama became a couple. He told Hide how sorry he was for that, but his best friend brushed it off saying _"You have a boyfriend now. Who wouldn't want to be making out with him 24/7?"_ to which Kaneki let out an embarrassed squawk.

Hide was resting against Kaneki’s chest, watching TV and cherishing this moment with him, and wishing how Kaneki and he could do this every day. Kaneki was reading a novel, not painfully aware of Hide's thumping heart and the melancholy he had on his face.

Hide felt squeezing around his abdomen and like someone knocked the wind out of his suddenly.

He stood up with a start and rushed to the bathroom. Kaneki was, of course, surprised and confused at what made Hide stand up so fast.

He heard the slamming and locking of the bathroom door, and then the toilet lid smacking against the front of the toilet. What came next scared him; he heard Hide gagging and then throwing up.

"Hide?" Kaneki questioned as he leaned against the bathroom door, worrying his bottom lip.

No answer was received, Hide was still throwing up.

After he heard the toilet flush, Kaneki tried again.

"Hide?"

"Sorry, it must've been something I ate in the morning," Hide apologised from behind the door. He was leaning against the wall, and there was a bitter, but yet sweet after taste of the petals.

"What did you eat?" Kaneki asked.

Hide had nothing but the usual bowl of cereal, but Kaneki didn't know that. He proceeded to lie, "I don't know, man. I went to an American buffet restaurant and ate so much that at that moment, i thought I would literally explode," he made his tone cheerful, though it hurt.

He heard Kaneki snort, and he smiled faintly. Good, he didn't make him overly worried.

"You’re such a dork. Be careful next time," Kaneki said with a smile on his face, happy that Hide's reason for throwing up wasn't life-threatening.

"Come out already though," Kaneki said. "Or should I break down the door?"

Hide let out a wheezing laugh.

"Jesus christ! I know you have your ghoul strength but please don't display it unless you're willing to buy me a new door," Hide said and stood up, trying to keep himself up right. He still had the burning sensation in his torso, but despite that, he wanted to keep his best friend happy, even if he was dying.

 

❀❀❀

 

Hide’s condition had become worse. The petals became more frequent and even more suffocating. Nishio, Kimi, and Touka took notice of this.

Hide also noticed.

He had refused to let Kaneki sleep over, in fear that he would wake up in the middle of the night with Kaneki staring at him in horror with white petals surrounding his body.

Kaneki was clearly saddened at how Hide was blocking him out, and he knew something was going on, heck, he even smelled the changes in Hide’s body. But he didn't want to force it out of Hide if he didn't want to talk about it.

Hide had also missed classes in the university, with his state growing weaker. He was missing and making up a lot of work, but some days he couldn't even get his assignments done from how much he was throwing up. He eventually would give up and go to sleep, finding some momentary peace while he was unconscious before waking up to throw up even more. Then, repeat cycle. 

Hide had finished throwing up for the third time that day and Touka was scolding him. Her usually calm demeanour that she had now broke, and she was almost close to shaking Hide back and forth to knock some sense into him.

"You need to get rid of the flower! Can’t you see the effects?" Touka asked, desperate to see Hide not looking like he was on the edge of having a nervous breakdown all the time.

"Of course I see them, Touka. In fact, I feel them," Hide said with a bit of sarcasm in his tone. Touka frowned, "Hide," she took a deep breath.

"You’re dying for god's sake!" she exclaimed.

At that moment, Renji and Hinami walked in.

"Who’s dying?" Renji asked with graveness in his town. Hinami took notice of the white flower petals right outside the bathroom door in the office and her eyebrows furrowed.

"Hide is," Touka said.

"Touka!" Hide gasped and stared at her with wide eyes.

"Who else knows?" Renji was being oddly calm about the topic at hand.

"Nishio, Kimi, me, and now you two," Touka answered.

"Not big brother?" Hinami asked, but she had a feeling that Hide didn't want to tell Kaneki because he was the reason why the blonde was slowly dying.

Hide shook his head.

"Kaneki’s the reason why this is even happening in the first place," Touka motioned her hand to Hide, answering Hinami’s doubts.

"And how long has this been going on for?" Renji made his way to where Hide and Touka were seated on the couch, and Hinami trailed after him. 

"A month and a half now," Touka answered, despite Hide being highly offended right now.

Renji shook his head, "He won't die, yet," he added the last part and the two females tensed up. Hide didn't though, he was slightly relieved that he wasn't going to die in the next few days, he still needed to finish up that essay he was writing for his English literature class.

"How do you know that?" Touka crossed her arms with a questioning look on her face. Hinami was focused on hide, trying to read him more.

Renji sighed, "Experience."

Hide’s eyes widened and Touka was surprised, even Hinami stopped to look at Renji.

"Did it turn out to be requited or did you get it surgically removed?" Hide hesitantly asked.

"I got the flower removed," Renji answered. Hide nodded, "I see."

"He doesn't want to get it removed," Hinami concluded.

Hide looked at Hinami and smiled, "Yeah," he agreed. "I don't want to get it removed."

"So you'd rather just rot away?" Touka asked, the side of herself before the whole Anteiku raid incident happened was coming out.

Hide winced at her chose of words.

"Touka," Renji said with a firm tone. Touka sighed, "Sorry. I'm just worried," she apologised. Hide shook it off, "It's fine," he said.

He spoke again and the next words he said made Touka feel like a bit of weight was lifted off her shoulders.

"I'll think about the surgery."

 

❀❀❀

 

Apparently, thinking about getting the flower removed was taking way longer than Touka expected.

Two months had passed, and Hide was still throwing up more than ever.

Last night, Hinami, Nishio, and she were at Hide's place, obviously worried about his state. 

It was around one a.m. when Hide broke down.

He was in the middle of throwing up, his head was leaning against the wall and he was curled up. Snow white petals fell down the side of his face and tears slid down his cheeks. He was hiccupping and shaking.

Nishio was fidgeting around, worried for Hide. Touka was frazzled and sleep deprived and seeing Hide cry put her on an edge even more. Hinami was rubbing Hide's arm, her thumb moving in a circular motion around his palm.

"I don't want to die," Hide sobbed out. "I want to keep on living and have Kaneki love me so this can stop." Hide wasn't one to cry, but it had just gotten to a point where he had to let it all out.

"Why does Tsukiyama have to be the one?" he said in a broken speech.

"I don't want to die," Hide kept on repeating and Touka let a single tear roll down her cheek.

 

 ❀❀❀

 

Kaneki noticed how Touka flinched when Hide cleared his throat or coughed. He saw how Hinami was sending glances to Hide when they were near, and also how Nishio was asking Hide if he was okay every few minutes.

He told Tsukiyama this one night while they were curled up on the bed.

"Don't worry about it, _amour_ ," Tsukiyama attempted to calm down Kaneki.

"He's my best friend, how am I not supposed to worry?" Kaneki snapped, which took Tsukiyama aback.

Kaneki got up from the bed and ran a hand through his hair, "I'm going to take a walk," he announced and exited the bedroom. Tsukiyama heard the door closing and sighed.

 

❀❀❀

 

Kaneki stopped himself when he reached the front of Hide's front door. He was about to knock on the wood, but he hesitated. it was around two a.m. and even if Hide wasn't asleep, he was probably going to disturb his best friend. He was about to turn around when the front door opened, revealing Nishio.

"Nishio," Kaneki said, a twinge of surprise in his voice. Nishio halted in his steps, and Kaneki saw that the ghoul had a trash bag in his hands.

"What are you doing here?" Nishio asked.

"I can ask the same for you," Kaneki chuckled. Nishio looked tired. His eye bags were deep, and even though it was normal for a university student to be constantly sleep-deprived, he looked much worse.

Nishio was about to answer when someone else spoke. Hinami came into view and she looked visibly worried and panicked.

 "Nishio! Hide fainted and Touka can't get him to wake up!"

at that moment, Kaneki's heart sank.

"Shit," Nishio cursed and put the trash bag on the floor and ran inside the apartment. Hinami looked at where Kaneki was standing and she made frowned, "Brother," she spoke softly. Kaneki searched her face, and he desperately wanted to know what was going on.

"I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to leave," she suddenly said. Kaneki stared at her with shock. "W-what?" he breathed out. Hinami looked conflicted but determination showed on her tired face.

"Please. Please, it's for Hide's sake. If you want him to be ok, leave right now," she said. Kaneki shook his head and Hinami repeated her words, "Please."

Kaneki reluctantly listened to her. Hinami hugged him, "Sorry and thank you," she said before he made his way back to his apartment.

He made a quick stop at the park he and Hide used to visit when they were younger. He climbed on top of the plastic whale and looked at the night sky.

"Hide...." he whispered out, sorrow lacing his tone.

 

❀❀❀

 

At the hospital, Hide refused to be treated.

He didn't want his feelings for Kaneki to diminish.

The doctor looked at him with disappointed but regardless, he followed his patient's decision.

Hide was released two days later.

He got home and Hinami helped him sort out stuff and left, hugging Hide saying she was glad he was ok. Hide smiled and patted the younger girl’s hair.

Before she left, Hide had asked her something.

"When ghouls get the hanahaki disease, do they die as quickly as humans do?"

Hinami nodded, “Yes, surprisingly. Human diseases don’t affect ghouls as harshly as they do with your kind, but I guess unrequited love is strong enough to kill off a ghoul as quickly as it does with humans.”

Hide nodded; he knew he had only a little bit more to live. He was in four months, and he found it harder to go by each day not throwing up at least 6 times.

Despite being the thing he threw up each day, Hide found flowers beautiful. Especially white roses.

Hide thanked Hinami, and the girl left with a sad smile.

The blonde went to his room and got out a piece of paper and a pen.

If he was going to die and not tell Kaneki about everything until his last dying moments, might as well write a letter for him apologising and telling him how much he loved him.

 

❀❀❀

****

"Hide, tell me what's happening," Kaneki said firmly after Hide emerged from his bathroom.

"Nothing's happening," Hide said, as normally as he could. He put his arms around himself in order to soothe his nerves.

Kaneki frowned, "Cut the bullshit."

Hide was surprised at Kaneki's language, but he knew the other had a reason to be frustrated.

"Kaneki...."

"Hide, I’m not happy that you're keeping me in the dark," Kaneki crossed his arms.

"And I wasn't either when you were missing," Hide mumbled.

"Hide," Kaneki sighed. Hide waved his hand in a dismissal motion, "Sorry."

Kaneki stepped forward and he grabbed Hide's hands, "Please, just tell me. I'm worried."

Hide's heart raced when he felt Kaneki's calloused hands hold his own unscarred ones. He wondered what it would feel like if Kaneki returned his feelings, and that this would be a normal thing.

Holding hands with the person he loved.

Hide chewed his lower lip and stared at the floor, "I.... I'm sorry," he said. Kaneki raised an eyebrow, "Hide?"

"I can't tell you right now. Look, I'm sorry. I just need to sort this out by myself," Hide continued and he moved his hands out of Kaneki's grasp.

Kaneki searched Hide's down casted face, "Just tell me. Is it something life threatening?"

Hide smiled tight-lipped, "No," he lied, putting his hand under his chin.

 

 ❀❀❀

****

Tsukiyama found out in the few following days.

Tsukiyama had gone Hide for help. He and the half ghoul were in a fight, and the latter wasn't talking to him. And who else was better to consult than his boyfriend's best friend?

Hide shrugged, sipping his coffee. They were seated by a window in :re, Tsukiyama in front of him, well dressed than ever meanwhile Hide had gone out of his house in sweatpants and an old graphic tee.

"We never really fought," Hide told Tsukiyama. The two of them knew when they had gone too far and immediately apologised before an argument happened.

Tsukiyama let out a sigh, "What do I do, Hide?" he said, a bit dramatically.

Hide looked at the steam coming from his coffee and thought. "Just apologise," he said, "And don't buy flowers or anything fancy. He just wants your words."

The ghoul smiled, "Thank you Hide."

Tsukiyama offered to walk Hide home, seeing how it was quite late and Hide looked like he was extremely nervous.

(Hide was only nervous because he was afraid that he would throw up the petals any second now.)

When Hide and he reached the blonde's apartment, Hide gripped the doorknob of his door tight.

"Hide?" Tsukiyama asked. He knew something was up with the other. When they met today, the ghoul could smell the faint trace of a rose.

Hide smiled painfully and he coughed, and two white rose petals fell out.

"The hanahaki byou disease," Tsukiyama breathed out, waiting for Hide to stop coughing.

Hide wiped his mouth and looked at Tsukiyama sheepishly.

"Kaneki?" the ghoul asked with a frown.

Hide panicked, but he nodded.

"I'm sorry," Hide put his hands in his pockets. "Look, I won't take him away from you if that's what you're worried about."

Tsukiyama shook his head, "I appreciate that, _lapin._ But, aren't you going to get the flower removed?"

Hide smiled, "Everybody has been telling me to. I haven't...," he let out a sigh, "I haven't made the decision." 

"And you don't want to," Tsukiyama figured it out. The blonde held affection for Kaneki so strong and pure, and he wanted Kaneki to know that.

"I... I want him to know that I love him," Hide admitted.

"And you want him to know that once you die?" Tsukiyama asked with a harsh tone. He would let Hide love his boyfriend, but what he wouldn't let Hide do was die and watch Kaneki rot away because of the human's death.

Hide winced.

"I-I'll think about getting the surgery, ok? I got a leave from the CCG, for about three months, which should give me enough time."

Tsukiyama nodded, "And exactly how long has this been going on?"

"About five months."

Tsukiyama made a clicking noise with his tongue, "Don't take three months to think about it. Make your decision around this month before you die," and with that, he left Hide to think.

 

❀❀❀

Hide was over at Kaneki's apartment.

"I'm glad you keep the chips stocked up even if you and Tsukiyama have no need for it," Hide said, coming out of the kitchen with a bag of potato chips.

"Well, you do come over and we can't let you starve," Kaneki rolled his eyes. Hide smiled and settled down next to Kaneki on the couch, keeping his distance. He thought that if he separated himself from the ghoul, his feelings would disappear. But, it did the complete opposite.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all.

“Thank you for your consideration,” Hide stuck out his tongue in slight teasing. Kaneki punched his best friend’s arm lightly and Hide laughed.

He felt something bubbling up as he ate the chip.

Hide started to cough, and Kaneki thought it was just the chip he was choking on.

Hide started to panic. _‘I can’t let Kaneki find out,’_ He thought as he made the motion to stand up, but he found himself too weak. He steadied himself with one hand on the couch and he tried to keep in the flower petals in, but the force was too great. He got down on his knees and curled up around himself, trying to not let Kaneki see the petals fall. Kaneki’s questions were falling deaf on his ears, and he didn’t see the ghoul sit on the floor and worrying about Hide.

Hide put his hand up to his mouth and he felt the petals fall into his palm, and his lungs felt like they were on fire.

“Hide,” Kaneki repeated. He was rubbing Hide’s back, trying to ease whatever Hide was feeling right now. Hide eventually stopped throwing up, and he looked at Kaneki with teary eyes, but smiled. Kaneki’s gaze softened, “Hide?”

“I’m fi-“ halfway through his words, the throwing up started again. This time, Hide was too slow. He let the petals fall.

Kaneki noticed and his eyes widened; Hide had the hanahaki byou disease.

He had it for a long while now.

It didn’t look like Hide’s coughing was going to let up at any moment now. Kaneki got his phone out of his pocket and dialled the ambulance, reporting his emergency, then he called Touka, informed her of what was happening.

 

❀❀❀

 

Hide had fainted when the paramedics came into the apartment.

He woke up to the sound of a machine beeping and soft snores besides him. Hide took in his surroundings and looked next to him, where Touka was talking with a nurse and Kaneki was sitting in a chair, sleeping.

Hide put a hand up to his chest, wondering if the flower was taken out already, but when he caught a glimpse of Kaneki’s sleeping face, his stomach did the same jolt and warmth filled him. No, it was still there.

Touka saw that Hide woke up and he rushed to his side as they nurse went to go get the doctor.

“You’re ok,” Touka breathed out with a smile on her face.

“How long was I out for?” Hide asked.

“Just one night,” Touka answered. “Nishio dropped by with Kimi. Hinami visited too, and Tsukiyama came in once when Kaneki said he was going to spend the night with you.”

Hide nodded, “Ah… Ok, thank you,” he said.

“Are you going to get the flower removed now?” Touka asked with a little hesitance in her voice. Hide looked at Kaneki and he let out a big sigh.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. Touka’s breath stopped, “Are you serious?”

Hide nodded once again. “If I die, it’ll just hurt Kaneki more, wouldn’t it? As much as I don’t want my feelings to go away for him, I don’t want him to be depressed if I die. I’m not going to be selfish anymore.” That last past hurt Touka.

When was Hide ever selfish?

Hide was selfless. He dedicated his life to helping out others. He didn’t coax Kaneki to tell him he was a ghoul, even if it led to Kaneki disappearing from his life for a long amount of time. He dedicated most of his university life to finding Kaneki and doing risky deeds just to find his best friend once again. Hide never told Kaneki about the disease. He didn’t want Kaneki to leave Tsukiyama, because he knew it would hurt the latter greatly.

Hide was never selfish.

Regardless, Touka also didn’t want to see Kaneki waste away even more and she didn’t want Hide to die.

“Ok,” Touka finally said.

Hide took his eyes away from Kaneki’s sleeping face and he looked at Touka’s; his honey orbs piercing into Touka’s own cool ones. “Does Kaneki know? Y’know… that my feelings are for him,” he questioned. Touka nodded, “Nishio told him.”

Nishio had practically yelled it outside the hospital room.

“How could not see it?” Nishio exclaimed as he was at the point of bringing out his kagune, only to be reminded that they were in a hospital. Kaneki had nothing to say. Really, he couldn’t defend himself. His best friend was wasting away and slowly dying because of him, and he did not notice all this time.

“The flower petals are because of you!” Nishio finished, and he stomped away angrily, Kimi trailing behind him after she sent a sorry look at Kaneki.

Kaneki kept his eyes down, now he even felt guiltier. Hide held feelings for him; he was the one responsible for Hide’s pain. Touka had led him inside Hide’s room, where the blonde was hooked up to machines to monitor his health, and it sent chills down Kaneki’s spine.

“I’ll stay the night,” Kaneki said. “It’s the least I can do if the reason why he’s here is because of me.”

When Touka finished telling him the story, Hide groaned into his hands.

The doctor came in and introduced himself to Hide shortly after. After going over Hide’s health, he finally asked the question that Hide was avoiding for so long.

“Are you going to want us to remove the flower?”

Hide looked at Touka, then at Kaneki, then back at the doctor. He nodded, his hands forming into fists as he gripped the hospital blanket. “Yes, I do want to go through the surgical process.”

The doctor nodded but he frowned, “There is something you should know though. You can back out of the surgical process after this, however.”

Hide motioned the doctor to keep on speaking.

“You might die during the surgical procedure,” the doctor announced. Hide felt his spirits dampen. Touka chewed her lower lip, Hide was on the verge of death in either situations. If he kept the flower, he would die, and getting the surgery might result in him dying.  “The reason why you have the eighty percent chance of dying is because the flower petals have accumulated so much and the flower has amplified in size because it wasn’t taken care of earlier.”

Nevertheless, Hide still nodded. “I’ll still go with it,” he confirmed. The doctor nodded and gave a reassuring smile, “Ok, it’ll be scheduled for tomorrow afternoon,” he stated. After going over the information, he left the room with a good-bye.

Hide wanted to cry.

Touka went besides the blonde and she sighed shakily. “You won’t die,” she said, as if she knew for sure. Hide let out a mirthless chuckle, “I’ll try not to.”

She was going to continue speaking until Kaneki shifted around and opened his eyes.

“Hide?” Kaneki spoke, his voice hoarse with sleep.

Hide smiled the best as he could, “Guess what, I’m still alive and kicking,” he said. Touka rolled her eyes, leave it up to Hide to still try to raise everybody’s spirits when he almost died.

Kaneki stood up from the seat, cracking his bones in the process. Touka shared a look with Kaneki and she nodded, “I’ll leave you two alone,” and she left before Hide could say anything. After closing the door, a silence fell in between the two males.

“I’m sorry,” Kaneki spoke. Hide shook his head, “It’s not your fault I have feelings for you,” he said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kaneki got close to Hide’s bed and stood beside it with a hurt expression. Hide didn’t take off his eyes from Kaneki as he talked.

“I could’ve returned your feelings, and you wouldn’t be in this situation right now,” Kaneki said. Hide laughed, “You like Tsukiyama. I wasn’t going to force you out of the relationship just because of my silly feelings.”

“I wasn’t going to let you die, Hide!” Kaneki said loudly. Hide looked away in guilt, and Kaneki ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t want you to die,” Kaneki softly whispered as he cupped Hide’s cheek. Hide widened his eyes, but he let himself be engulfed in the moment. He placed his hand on top of Kaneki’s and he felt the tears coming on.

“I didn’t want my feelings to go away,” Hide whispered. “I thought that maybe, you would fall out of love with Tsukiyama and return my feelings, and then this would go away,” he motioned to his mouth. “But, I didn’t say anything and I didn’t let the others say anything because you looked happy with him,” his voice began to tremble and Kaneki sat on the space remaining on the bed.

“And I just…” Hide stopped speaking and he looked down, letting the tears slip out. “I love you,” he choked out and Kaneki wrapped Hide around his arms as he let his best friend cry.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, and Hide’s sobs finally quieted down and they turned into sniffles.

Hide broke the silence, “I’m getting the surgery, if that makes you feel better,” he looked back at Kaneki.

“I’ve heard that people still fall in love even after they get the flower removed. Maybe I wasn’t your true love,” Kaneki tried to help but Hide shook his head and chuckled, “Kaneki, it’s safe to say that I’m only going to fall for you,” he concluded. Kaneki sighed, “But…”

Suddenly, Hide grabbed Kaneki’s cheeks, and Kaneki was going to speak but he did before the ghoul. “Let me do this before it goes away,” Hide said and he pressed his lips against Kaneki’s.

The kiss wasn’t needy nor desperate. It was soft, longing, and it held a bit of sadness behind it, but it held a bunch of love. Kaneki let himself be kissed, and he even moved his lips against the others. Hide gasped as he felt Kaneki’s tongue slip in, and he felt his eyes welling up again.

Hide pulled away softly before it got too far, and he rested his forehead against Kaneki’s shoulder. “Let’s stay like this for a while,” he whispered out and Kaneki nodded, hugging Hide.

That night, Hide threw up only twice. It didn’t feel as bad from previous times, because Kaneki was right beside him.

 

❀❀❀

 

Before the surgery, Hide had visitors.

Touka came in to say that she was sure he wasn’t going to pass away, and that he wasn’t allowed to either. Despite her slightly harsh words, she hugged Hide tight before leaving.

Nishio and Kimi dropped by too, and Kimi couldn’t stop hugging him. “Let him breath, dear god,” Nishio said. He told Hide that he would collect his homework from his professors while he was gone, “so you better not die, because you still need to pull up those all-nighters and bother me and Kimi,” he said. Hide smiled, “Is that what I think I hear? You care for me, Nishio?” he teased. Hide was grateful though. Nishio had helped him up so much these past few months.

Nishio scoffed, “Yes I do,” he admitted. Hide nodded, “Thank you,” he told both Nishio and Kimi before they left.

Hinami came in alone, because Renji wanted to say some words to Hide alone.

Hinami told Hide that she would make sure Kaneki didn’t do anything drastic while Hide was in surgery, and Hide told her he appreciated that.

“Hinami,” Hide spoke and Hinami nodded, “Yes?”

“Look, if I die…” Hide started off and Hinami frowned, “You won’t die,” she said with determination.

Hide chuckled, “Yes, I know, but if I do, there is something I want to entrust you with,” he waited a bit before speaking again, “I wrote a note a few months ago just in case I died suddenly, and it’s in my apartment, inside page 98 on the book under my bed. I want you to give it to Kaneki if I die,” he finished. Hinami nodded, “I won’t have to. Because you won’t die.” Though, she did agree to give the letter to Kaneki if things turned out the wrong way.

“Thank you Hinami,” he said.

Renji came in as Hinami left.

“Having your feelings taken away doesn’t make your life miserable,” he said as soon as he came into the room. Hide sighed, “I know that.”

“You’re still happy even after you lose them, and you might end up liking someone else who does return your feelings.”

Hide highly doubted he would like someone after the surgery, because he really only liked Kaneki, but he took in Renji’s words.

The older male left after speaking some more and wishing Hide good luck.

Finally, Kaneki entered.

Hide smiled, “Hey,” he greeted.

“Hi,” Kaneki returned and he went straight to hugging Hide.

“Woah, buddy,” Hide laughed but he patted Kaneki’s back. “I’m not going to die,” Hide said despite the growing doubt he had.

“I know that, I won’t let you die,” Kaneki said. “If you die, I’m going to yell at you,” Kaneki threatened with playfulness in his voice. Hide let out another laugh, “Alrighty,” he teased.

Kaneki softened his gaze and kissed Hide’s cheek, “You won’t die,” he whispered. Hide nodded and smiled sincerely, “I love you,” he said one last time.

 

 ❀❀❀

 

7:02 P.M. was the time of Hide’s death.

Hide’s body had shut down after the doctor was halfway through the surgery, with much struggle removing the flower that had lodged itself in Hide’s body.

It was like Hide’s body refused to let the romantic feelings he held for Kaneki go away. He was holding onto them; he cherished the feelings. He loved Kaneki so much, that he wouldn’t let it be taken away from him.

Kaneki saw Hide one last time before he was whisked away by doctors, despite how much he was screaming for him to come back, screaming how sorry he was.

 

❀❀❀

 

It had been approximately one week since Hide’s death, and Hinami had gone inside Hide’s apartment to retrieve the letter.

The place still had Hide’s scent, and it brought her to tears. She noticed how everything was still in place, and it looked like Hide never left.

She pushed aside the overwhelming sadness from her mind, knowing that Hide wouldn’t want them to be sad.

Hinami got the letter; it was folded neatly and it was addressed to Kaneki.

The white haired male hadn’t left his apartment ever since Hide passed away. Kaneki broke off his relationship with Tsukiyama, saying he was far too much preoccupied with himself to even handle a relationship.

Surprisingly, Tsukiyama did not throw up flower petals.

Kaneki had though, sunflower petals.

He was in love with Hide.

Hide being dead did not sway his love.

Hinami knocked the door of Kaneki’s apartment, but received no response.

“I’m coming in, big brother,” she said as she got out a spare key. She walked into the house and went up to Kaneki’s bedroom door, sliding the letter below. She sighed, “I hope you feel better,” she said before she exited the house, closing the door behind her.

Kaneki was curled up on his bed, with tears streaming down his face. His hair was a mess and he hadn’t taken a bath in two days, being too tired and sad to even do simple tasks. Yellow petals were on the bed cover and the floor, too. He felt bad for not opening the door Hinami, but she would understand why.

However, when he saw a letter being slid under his bedroom door in Hide’s handwriting, he got up slowly.

He opened the letter, and new sprung up to his eyes. He covered his mouth with his hand as sobs began to escape.

_‘Kaneki. If you read this, then I’m dead. Or you found it accidently._

_If I’m dead, let me just say this._

_Please, don’t feel bad._

_It isn’t your fault. It’s my fault for harbouring feelings for you, and not telling you. It’s my fault for being selfish and not wanting you to have problems with Tsukiyama. Also, the fact that I didn’t want to take out the flower was my own decision. If I died, know that I died without regrets._

_Loving you wasn’t a mistake._

_Don’t disappear again, or I will haunt your ass._

_Look, if you begin throwing up flower petals after this, then please, go get the flower removed. You don’t want to see the people around you looking at you like you’re some injured animal. But, most important, I don’t want you to suffer. Tell Touka, Nishio, Kimi, and Hinami thank you for being there for me. Though I have said it to them countless of times before, please tell them I love them._

_But, Kaneki, I love you immensely. When you returned home, I wanted to kiss you and cry and laugh and just do everything with you, but I couldn’t. I regret not doing that, but I don’t regret loving you._

_I love you so damn much, Kaneki Ken._

_Never forget that.’_

**Author's Note:**

> "oh boy, i love writing angst," i say as tears stream down my face. (shout out to bts and their more sad songs on their recent album for being the reason why i finished this in two days.) oh, and i'm sorry if hide's character seems a bit ooc, or even anybody else in this fic. 
> 
> i got inspiration from two other writers on here and their stories, ["Lungs Filled Up With Sweetness"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4014103/chapters/9019717) by zinobeen and resonae's ["Unrequited"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2405873)
> 
> also, this is my first really long fic!!!! 6,802 words, yEAH! i might write an alternative ending, but i'm quite satisfied with how i left this story. but, thank you for reading and i hope you liked it!


End file.
